Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Lemonade Stand CEO Offers Services to President

USA [SIC] -- President Trump had some welcome help today from regional leaders who offered to fill in the  gaps left by CEOs who quit his Manufacturing Jobs Initiative council in disgust over his handling of the Charlottesville violence.

The leaders of Merck, the AFL-CIO, Under Armour, and Intel resigned over the weekend after the President's remarks seemed to excuse neo-Nazi and white supremacist groups from the violent protests. On Tuesday afternoon, the President further claimed that, while the Nazis were armed and chanted "Jews will not replace us," and an innocent woman was killed, there were some "very fine people" involved in the protest.

"I'm ready to step up," said "David Fluke" who refused to give a real name but claims he tendered his resume to the White House. "I am a proven leader with many passionate and very fine followers who could not be more thrilled to offer our blood and soil in service to the President's council."

The White House has received more than 200 inquiries to fill the slots, according to a White House spokesperson, who also refused to give her name. "Among them are resumes from such fine American companies as Staten Island Refuse Removal, Junior's Hogsbreath Barbecue in Cleveland, and Missy's lemonade stand at the corner of Furner and Maple."

When contacted, Missy, 11, said, "I don't know much about Nazis or even business, but I thought the President could use a nice glass of delicious lemonade. Maybe that would make things better."

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