Wednesday, March 21, 2018

President Ignores Security Team's Advice to Not Act Like a Complete Nimrod

USA [SIC] -- During a recent phone conversation with newly re-elected Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump ignored his national security team's entreaties to not act like a complete nimrod.

In careful preparation for his historic phone call to Putin, the NSA team presented the president with several four-by-five index cards, carefully arranged, which in capital letters outlined topics the president was encouraged avoid and/or approach. Among the cards were the suggestions DO NOT CONGRATULATE and DO NOT ACT LIKE A COMPLETE NIMROD.

According to sources in the Trump camp, the president did indeed congratulate President Putin, and acted like a complete nimrod.

"Look, the president did not say 'congratulations,'" White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. "He said 'capitalizations,' as in what are all these cards in front of me? And then he asked Mr. Putin if he had any advice on what to do about Stormy Daniels. Then the two had a long laugh about plutonium sharing arrangements, for our nuclear programs, I'm sure. If that's nimrod behavior, I don't know what to say."

Trump, when later pressed for an explanation of why he would choose to disregard his security team on a phone call with Putin, said, "Nimrods are not the best, but some, I assume, are good people. I'm one of those."

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Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Trump Faults Pilgrims for not Thanking Him

USA [SIC] -- President Donald Trump today criticized the Pilgrims for not giving him thanks for their bounty on Thanksgiving Day.

"Thanksgiving," he wrote in a Twitter post, "is a holiday when we should give thanks for the good things we have in life, like my many billions of dollars and my golf courses and my huge intellect. And the Russians. I have the best things to be thankful for.

"But the underrated Pilgrims," he continued, "thank God and the Indians for their harvest and good health and blah, blah, blah, but it's me they should be thanking. Ungrateful! #MAGA"

When reminded by a follower that the Pilgrims celebrated their first Thanksgiving more than 400 years ago and weren't, technically, Americans, Trump responded, "So, they're Democrats, then. I knew it."

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Saturday, October 21, 2017

White House Claims Former Presidents' Comments were not Directed at Trump

USA [SIC] -- White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today claimed that comments recently made by former presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama were not directed toward President Trump, but at "other people."

In comments this week, Bush offered a stark assessment of the current state of political discourse, denouncing its "casual cruelty" and the bullying and prejudice in public life that "provides permission for cruelty and bigotry."

"That must be referring to other people," Sanders said. "President Trump's cruelty is anything but casual. He works hard at it. We have at least three more years to go, I expect he'll get much better. And the bigotry, too. He's good, but just getting started."

In separate comments, Obama addressed a political rally in Virginia, asking, "Why are we deliberately trying to misunderstand each other, and be cruel to each other and put each other down?"

"Again, he must be referring to someone else," Sanders said. "President Trump rarely puts people down, unless they deserve it. Or he feels like it. Or he's bored."

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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

President Nominates Harvey Weinstein as Secretary of State

USA [SIC] -- Today President Donald Trump announced that he has nominated embattled studio head Harvey Weinstein to fill the secretary of state cabinet position held by Rex Tillerson.

"Harvey's a good man, a good man," Trump said. "We're going to take care off him, I'm telling you. I have the best solutions."

When reminded that Tillerson was still, in fact, the secretary of state, Trump seemed surprised, remarking, "More Fake News, but we'll see, we'll see."

When further reminded that Weinstein had left his film production company due to allegations of serial sexual harassment from dozens of women over some 30 years, Trump replied, "I know, right? Harvey has great numbers, believe me, the best numbers."

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Thursday, October 5, 2017

Nation's Morons Distraught by Comparison to President Trump

USA [SIC] -- In response to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson's reported harangue against President Trump in which he's alleged to have called the President a "moron," America's morons have suggested they deserve better.

"It's not that we think Trump is all bad," said Martin Flatterat, the spokesman for a loose gathering of morons who meet every Thursday for lunch at Aunt Bea's Diner over on Milford and Main. "It's just that, if Mr. Tillerson is going to use the word, we'd rather be in better company."

Tillerson was reportedly upset that Trump recently suggested in a Tweet that the secretary of state was "wasting his time" negotiating with North Korea, effectively undercutting U.S. diplomatic efforts.

"I'm sure Mr. Tillerson was just having a bad moment," said Flatterat. "His temper got the best of him. Whatever the case, we may be morons, but we're not Trump-level morons. Mr. Tillerson could have been a little more selective in his choice of words. Idiot, for instance. We'd be okay with that."

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Sunday, September 24, 2017

Trump Demands NFL Replace All Players with North Koreans

USA [SIC] - President Donald Trump today demanded that the National Football League replace all players with North Koreans.

"Now there's some people who know how to respect the flag," Trump said in a statement. "You tell them not to kneel, I bet they'd stand up faster than you can say 'mentally deranged U.S. dotard.'"

Asked how North Koreans would benefit the all-American sport, the President said, "Well, they'd have to learn the game, but I hear they have rocket arms, the best rocket arms. And they wouldn't be challenging everything someone in authority says something, which is me."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, when asked how the NFL would react to such a request from the president, said, "I have no words."

In response, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said through state-controlled media, "I literally have no words."

Tweeting after the initial shock of his suggestion had abated, Trump continued, "And the NBA, too."

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Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Crisis Declared as White House Runs Out of Nicknames

USA [SIC] -- The White House today declared an emergency over the dearth of available pejorative nicknames the President uses to demean political rivals, members of the media, and "people he just doesn't like."

"We're at a crisis point," said White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders. "We've gone full circle and are repeating ourselves with names like 'Little' Marco Rubio and 'Little' George Stephanopoulos, or 'Crooked' Hillary and the 'Crooked' Media."

In the past, Trump has riveted his followers by creatively insulting rivals with such colorful nicknames as "Lyin'" Ted Cruz, "Crazy" Bernie Sanders, and "Low Energy" Jeb Bush.

"The days of 'Goofy' Elizabeth Warren are over," said spokeswoman Sanders. "The President's base responds to middle school name-calling like nobody's business, and we've got to give the people what they want. We'd like to expand our repertoire to include less repetitive, hard-hitting nicknames. Like 'Booger Face' or 'Dork Breath.'"

Sanders conceded that the White House has assembled a team to produce creative nicknames but they aren't making much progress, having come up with names such as "Really Tall" James Comey and "German Lady" Angela Merkel.

"Their hearts aren't in it," Sanders said. "That's why we're appealing to the base to send us creative, offensive nicknames the President can use to detract people from what he's really saying."

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