Friday, September 28, 2018

Republicans Claim Previously Undisclosed Calendar Entry Clears Kavanaugh

USA [SIC] -- Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee today declared Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh cleared of all accusations after discovering a previously undisclosed entry in Kavanaugh's calendar from 1982.

In an emergency meeting before the vote, Committee Chair Sen. Chuck Grassley asked all members to refer to a contemporaneous entry for July 3 which read, "Going for brewskis at [name unintelligible] house, definitely will not sexually assault Christine Blasey Ford. Who I never met."

"So that does it," Grassley said, "case closed. Oh, and I am sure Dr. Ford was assaulted somewhere at some time, and we extend her all our understanding and sympathy, blah, blah, blah."

After a moment of stunned silence, Ranking Member Sen. Dianne Feinstein said, "But her name in 1982 was Christine Blasey. Ford was added after she was married. In 2002."

"That's just more of your Democrat search and destroy strategy," Grassley said. "We'll adjourn until this afternoon's vote."

In related news, judiciary committee member Jeff Flake announced he would miss the vote due to an emergency appointment with his chiropractor.

"It's my spine again," Flake said. "It seems to have disappeared."

# # #

No comments: