Republicans Claim Previously Undisclosed Calendar Entry Clears Kavanaugh

USA [SIC] -- Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee today declared Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh cleared of all accusations after discovering a previously undisclosed entry in Kavanaugh's calendar from 1982.

In an emergency meeting before the vote, Committee Chair Sen. Chuck Grassley asked all members to refer to a contemporaneous entry for July 3 which read, "Going for brewskis at [name unintelligible] house, definitely will not sexually assault Christine Blasey Ford. Who I never met."

"So that does it," Grassley said, "case closed. Oh, and I am sure Dr. Ford was assaulted somewhere at some time, and we extend her all our understanding and sympathy, blah, blah, blah."

After a moment of stunned silence, Ranking Member Sen. Dianne Feinstein said, "But her name in 1982 was Christine Blasey. Ford was added after she was married. In 2002."

"That's just more of your Democrat search and destroy strategy," Grassley said. "We'll adjourn until this afternoon's vote."

In related news, judiciary committee member Jeff Flake announced he would miss the vote due to an emergency appointment with his chiropractor.

"It's my spine again," Flake said. "It seems to have disappeared."

# # #

President Ignores Security Team's Advice to Not Act Like a Complete Nimrod

USA [SIC] -- During a recent phone conversation with newly re-elected Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump ignored his national security team's entreaties to not act like a complete nimrod.

In careful preparation for his historic phone call to Putin, the NSA team presented the president with several four-by-five index cards, carefully arranged, which in capital letters outlined topics the president was encouraged avoid and/or approach. Among the cards were the suggestions DO NOT CONGRATULATE and DO NOT ACT LIKE A COMPLETE NIMROD.

According to sources in the Trump camp, the president did indeed congratulate President Putin, and acted like a complete nimrod.

"Look, the president did not say 'congratulations,'" White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. "He said 'capitalizations,' as in what are all these cards in front of me? And then he asked Mr. Putin if he had any advice on what to do about Stormy Daniels. Then the two had a long laugh about plutonium sharing arrangements, for our nuclear programs, I'm sure. If that's nimrod behavior, I don't know what to say."

Trump, when later pressed for an explanation of why he would choose to disregard his security team on a phone call with Putin, said, "Nimrods are not the best, but some, I assume, are good people. I'm one of those."

# # #