Republicans Claim Previously Undisclosed Calendar Entry Clears Kavanaugh

USA [SIC] -- Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee today declared Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh cleared of all accusations after discovering a previously undisclosed entry in Kavanaugh's calendar from 1982.

In an emergency meeting before the vote, Committee Chair Sen. Chuck Grassley asked all members to refer to a contemporaneous entry for July 3 which read, "Going for brewskis at [name unintelligible] house, definitely will not sexually assault Christine Blasey Ford. Who I never met."

"So that does it," Grassley said, "case closed. Oh, and I am sure Dr. Ford was assaulted somewhere at some time, and we extend her all our understanding and sympathy, blah, blah, blah."

After a moment of stunned silence, Ranking Member Sen. Dianne Feinstein said, "But her name in 1982 was Christine Blasey. Ford was added after she was married. In 2002."

"That's just more of your Democrat search and destroy strategy," Grassley said. "We'll adjourn until this afternoon's vote."

In related news, judiciary committee member Jeff Flake announced he would miss the vote due to an emergency appointment with his chiropractor.

"It's my spine again," Flake said. "It seems to have disappeared."

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President Ignores Security Team's Advice to Not Act Like a Complete Nimrod

USA [SIC] -- During a recent phone conversation with newly re-elected Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump ignored his national security team's entreaties to not act like a complete nimrod.

In careful preparation for his historic phone call to Putin, the NSA team presented the president with several four-by-five index cards, carefully arranged, which in capital letters outlined topics the president was encouraged avoid and/or approach. Among the cards were the suggestions DO NOT CONGRATULATE and DO NOT ACT LIKE A COMPLETE NIMROD.

According to sources in the Trump camp, the president did indeed congratulate President Putin, and acted like a complete nimrod.

"Look, the president did not say 'congratulations,'" White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. "He said 'capitalizations,' as in what are all these cards in front of me? And then he asked Mr. Putin if he had any advice on what to do about Stormy Daniels. Then the two had a long laugh about plutonium sharing arrangements, for our nuclear programs, I'm sure. If that's nimrod behavior, I don't know what to say."

Trump, when later pressed for an explanation of why he would choose to disregard his security team on a phone call with Putin, said, "Nimrods are not the best, but some, I assume, are good people. I'm one of those."

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Trump Faults Pilgrims for not Thanking Him

USA [SIC] -- President Donald Trump today criticized the Pilgrims for not giving him thanks for their bounty on Thanksgiving Day.

"Thanksgiving," he wrote in a Twitter post, "is a holiday when we should give thanks for the good things we have in life, like my many billions of dollars and my golf courses and my huge intellect. And the Russians. I have the best things to be thankful for.

"But the underrated Pilgrims," he continued, "thank God and the Indians for their harvest and good health and blah, blah, blah, but it's me they should be thanking. Ungrateful! #MAGA"

When reminded by a follower that the Pilgrims celebrated their first Thanksgiving more than 400 years ago and weren't, technically, Americans, Trump responded, "So, they're Democrats, then. I knew it."

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White House Claims Former Presidents' Comments were not Directed at Trump

USA [SIC] -- White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today claimed that comments recently made by former presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama were not directed toward President Trump, but at "other people."

In comments this week, Bush offered a stark assessment of the current state of political discourse, denouncing its "casual cruelty" and the bullying and prejudice in public life that "provides permission for cruelty and bigotry."

"That must be referring to other people," Sanders said. "President Trump's cruelty is anything but casual. He works hard at it. We have at least three more years to go, I expect he'll get much better. And the bigotry, too. He's good, but just getting started."

In separate comments, Obama addressed a political rally in Virginia, asking, "Why are we deliberately trying to misunderstand each other, and be cruel to each other and put each other down?"

"Again, he must be referring to someone else," Sanders said. "President Trump rarely puts people down, unless they deserve it. Or he feels like it. Or he's bored."

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President Nominates Harvey Weinstein as Secretary of State

USA [SIC] -- Today President Donald Trump announced that he has nominated embattled studio head Harvey Weinstein to fill the secretary of state cabinet position held by Rex Tillerson.

"Harvey's a good man, a good man," Trump said. "We're going to take care off him, I'm telling you. I have the best solutions."

When reminded that Tillerson was still, in fact, the secretary of state, Trump seemed surprised, remarking, "More Fake News, but we'll see, we'll see."

When further reminded that Weinstein had left his film production company due to allegations of serial sexual harassment from dozens of women over some 30 years, Trump replied, "I know, right? Harvey has great numbers, believe me, the best numbers."

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Nation's Morons Distraught by Comparison to President Trump

USA [SIC] -- In response to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson's reported harangue against President Trump in which he's alleged to have called the President a "moron," America's morons have suggested they deserve better.

"It's not that we think Trump is all bad," said Martin Flatterat, the spokesman for a loose gathering of morons who meet every Thursday for lunch at Aunt Bea's Diner over on Milford and Main. "It's just that, if Mr. Tillerson is going to use the word, we'd rather be in better company."

Tillerson was reportedly upset that Trump recently suggested in a Tweet that the secretary of state was "wasting his time" negotiating with North Korea, effectively undercutting U.S. diplomatic efforts.

"I'm sure Mr. Tillerson was just having a bad moment," said Flatterat. "His temper got the best of him. Whatever the case, we may be morons, but we're not Trump-level morons. Mr. Tillerson could have been a little more selective in his choice of words. Idiot, for instance. We'd be okay with that."

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Trump Demands NFL Replace All Players with North Koreans

USA [SIC] - President Donald Trump today demanded that the National Football League replace all players with North Koreans.

"Now there's some people who know how to respect the flag," Trump said in a statement. "You tell them not to kneel, I bet they'd stand up faster than you can say 'mentally deranged U.S. dotard.'"

Asked how North Koreans would benefit the all-American sport, the President said, "Well, they'd have to learn the game, but I hear they have rocket arms, the best rocket arms. And they wouldn't be challenging everything someone in authority says something, which is me."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, when asked how the NFL would react to such a request from the president, said, "I have no words."

In response, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un said through state-controlled media, "I literally have no words."

Tweeting after the initial shock of his suggestion had abated, Trump continued, "And the NBA, too."

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