White House Claims Former Presidents' Comments were not Directed at Trump

USA [SIC] -- White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today claimed that comments recently made by former presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama were not directed toward President Trump, but at "other people."

In comments this week, Bush offered a stark assessment of the current state of political discourse, denouncing its "casual cruelty" and the bullying and prejudice in public life that "provides permission for cruelty and bigotry."

"That must be referring to other people," Sanders said. "President Trump's cruelty is anything but casual. He works hard at it. We have at least three more years to go, I expect he'll get much better. And the bigotry, too. He's good, but just getting started."

In separate comments, Obama addressed a political rally in Virginia, asking, "Why are we deliberately trying to misunderstand each other, and be cruel to each other and put each other down?"

"Again, he must be referring to someone else," Sanders said. "President Trump rarely puts people down, unless they deserve it. Or he feels like it. Or he's bored."

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President Nominates Harvey Weinstein as Secretary of State

USA [SIC] -- Today President Donald Trump announced that he has nominated embattled studio head Harvey Weinstein to fill the secretary of state cabinet position held by Rex Tillerson.

"Harvey's a good man, a good man," Trump said. "We're going to take care off him, I'm telling you. I have the best solutions."

When reminded that Tillerson was still, in fact, the secretary of state, Trump seemed surprised, remarking, "More Fake News, but we'll see, we'll see."

When further reminded that Weinstein had left his film production company due to allegations of serial sexual harassment from dozens of women over some 30 years, Trump replied, "I know, right? Harvey has great numbers, believe me, the best numbers."

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Nation's Morons Distraught by Comparison to President Trump

USA [SIC] -- In response to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson's reported harangue against President Trump in which he's alleged to have called the President a "moron," America's morons have suggested they deserve better.

"It's not that we think Trump is all bad," said Martin Flatterat, the spokesman for a loose gathering of morons who meet every Thursday for lunch at Aunt Bea's Diner over on Milford and Main. "It's just that, if Mr. Tillerson is going to use the word, we'd rather be in better company."

Tillerson was reportedly upset that Trump recently suggested in a Tweet that the secretary of state was "wasting his time" negotiating with North Korea, effectively undercutting U.S. diplomatic efforts.

"I'm sure Mr. Tillerson was just having a bad moment," said Flatterat. "His temper got the best of him. Whatever the case, we may be morons, but we're not Trump-level morons. Mr. Tillerson could have been a little more selective in his choice of words. Idiot, for instance. We'd be okay with that."

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