Man 101

Now that Valentine's Day is on the horizon and you've been searching the Internet for that perfect gift for her, Dr. Love-Monster's Edible Strawberry Body Lotion, it's important to remind ourselves why attraction between the sexes is possible in the first place. It's because men are completely predictable and understandable, and women are not.

I say that, of course, as a man, but with all the respect due to our distaff partners in humanity. The fact is, men would be nowhere without women. Well, maybe out bowling, but still, in the large scheme of things, nowhere. Okay, maybe sitting out on a quiet lake in a high-powered boat with our feet up on the cooler as our fishing line glides through the water and a sleek, award-winning bass nips at a hand-tied lure, but other than that, nowhere.

The irony, however, is that even though men are about as difficult to figure out as a fire plug, women just don't seem to understand us. Ask any woman on the street if she understands men and she'll shake her head, maybe mumble something about "mother warned me," or whatever.

Men, on the other hand, when asked if they understand women, will often come up with the cleverly insightful, "What's to understand?"

So, as a public service, I have assembled the six most important questions women have asked about men from the beginning of time. My hope is that they will contribute to a fuller understanding between the sexes, and that, in the end, I will have written the 750 words necessary to get paid for this column. Thank you.

Why is it easier for a woman to say, "I love you" than for a man to say it?
Men find it difficult to say, well, things like that, because men are genetically programmed to display, rather than talk about, their affection. For instance, when your husband gave you that 500-channel satellite dish last Valentine's Day, he was demonstrating his deep and abiding love. For TV. And, of course, for you. Because he knows you'll grow to love TV as much as he does.

Men tend to "do," while women tend to "feel." Women who've learned to interpret the actions of their men know that the little things they do every day say, "I love you." The affectionate pat, the way he tells you that the swelling in your ankles seems to have gone down--it's true love, through and through.

Can men ever be truly monogamous?
Of course, but only if there are no other women around.

What's the attraction of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?
Near naked models are actually strong, independent artists who are thumbing their nose at the establishment by eschewing the strictures of a patriarchal society that forces them to exist within the confines of repressive male-imaging, and men who buy these magazines are merely joining powerful women in the celebration of their release from the shackles of male-dominated culture. That would be my guess.

Why will men never ask for directions when lost?
A man tends to be a "macro" manager of his life, rather than a "micro" manager. This means that, in the large scheme of things, he is not lost as long as he is somewhere on the planet Earth. Even if a man is driving aimlessly through a rough neighborhood with the needle on empty while his terror-stricken family fingers their rosaries, he feels he is in control of the situation because, you guessed it, it's his car.

What would possess a man to wear the same underwear four days in a row?
Basically, men are territorial. Those little hairs he leaves in the sink after he shaves, the sweatshirt standing in the corner, and underwear with the consistency of potato chips are not signs of poor personal hygiene but rather warning signals to potential intruders that there's a man in the house. Besides, four days, maybe five, is tops.

Why are men are so concerned with...you know...
Size? Glad you asked. This question strikes at the very root of evolution. Men are no more than dumb, male mammals who compete for mating privileges with females. The strongest male gets the prize, and is called the "alpha" male. And for guys who didn't belong to a fraternity, having a lot of money helps.

Has anyone ever heard a woman say, "I want a small, weasel guy with the personality of a filing cabinet"? No, women are attracted to tall, broad-shouldered men, because bigness is a sign of strength and virility. Bigness in other areas is also a sign of virility, or a very clever plastic surgeon.

But the truth is, most men are not worried about size. They're just worried that you're worried about it.

Of course, I wouldn't know anything about that.

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