Andy Rooney Eyes

I've been waking up lately feeling like Andy Rooney. This wouldn't be particularly startling except I'm also beginning to look like Andy Rooney, who, except for a set of eyebrows that could choke a chainsaw, is actually not a bad looking guy. For his age. The Rooney condition has inspired a number of uplifting conversations with my wife.

Me: "Things seem sort of dark these days."
My wife: "It's your eyebrows, they're blocking the sun."
Me: "No, I mean spiritually, existentially."
My wife: "What's existential about eyebrows? Trim them, you look like Andy Rooney."
Me: "You mean cut them? With scissors? Near my eyes?"
My wife: "I'll never understand men."

I'll never be an astronaut
The reason I'm feeling, and looking, like Andy Rooney is simple: I'm not as young as I used to be. It's not that I can be classified as old, not quite yet. But I'm one of the millions of men my age--which is Too Young to Die But Old Enough To Appreciate The Pain Mick Jagger Must Be In--who are approaching middle age with the poise of a hooked trout. We wake up thrashing in the middle of the night, screaming, "You mean it's too late to become an astronaut?!"

Well, yes it is. And it's also too late to learn how to snowboard, but that won't stop about a couple of thousand older guys from filling up the emergency rooms next winter.

Men, in typically extremist fashion, deal with aging by either acknowledging it well or not acknowledging it at all. You know the latter group, they stick out like the hair plugs they think no one will notice but everyone does because, for God's sake, they look just like, well, plugs.

Middle-aged male ponytails: big mistake
Well, it may be time for a wake-up call. It's spring, the time of the year when a guy is most likely to make the grave mistake of deciding that the Speedo he wore back in college would look good on the beach. Trust me, it won't, and it might even be illegal. It will drive normal people to cackle insanely, and small children will whimper with fear. Ditto with the reborn ponytail. It might have looked great if you had a part in "The Last Samurai," but all it does now is show the liver spots on your forehead.

All around you, there are indications it's time to admit you're middle-aged. Been thinking lately about taking up golf? Give in to it, it's the gracious thing to do and the most fun you'll have had on someone else's lawn since Woodstock.

So as a public service, and as a man who's counting, I'm offering the following "Signs Your Age is At Least a Multiple of 25" in the hope that confronting the inevitable will make for a healthier transition.

You know you're getting older...
Signs that you know you're getting older:

* Charles Barkley is still not as old as you were when he retired.
* The most fun you and your wife have naked these days is searching for ticks.
* You know your cholesterol numbers, and you know what they're suppoosed to be.
* You remember when unprotected sex meant her father could walk in.
* After finally test-driving that Corvette, the salesman has to help you out of the car.
* The kids ask you what it was like during a sit-in.
* You can answer that.
* You can spell "Rogaine" from memory.
* When someone passes gas, they all look at you and not the dog.

Finally, if you remember Wavy Gravy before he became ice-cream, you're clearly getting on. But, hey, there may be a job for you someday at "60 Minutes. "

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